First Published Short Story

This is a short story I wrote for an Anti-bullying book called "Inner Giant", and while the story is about suicide there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can find more stories like this and even more in the book and its available on Amazon! Link is at the end of the post.

End of the Line and Then…. You

Mum, Dad,

I’m sorry……. You taught me to be strong, to be a fighter, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried so hard, so hard but it’s just too much. I’ve been so alone and so scared. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you. I feel like such a disappointment. I feel like my life has been slipping through my fingers and I’ve no control. It’s just one bad day after another.

 I hid the bruises, the cuts and tears, because I didn’t want to worry you. I’m all alone but never left alone. Day and night they hound me, calling, texting, email, facebook, twitter, there is nowhere to hide. You ask why I never answer your calls and texts and I say that my phone died. I turn it off to escape them, to finally get some peace, but even that doesn’t last. Even in my dreams they hurt and hunt me, so I get no rest. 

I’ve skipped school, pretended to be ill but even these are only postponing the inevitable. My friends are gone, they’ve either joined them or abandoned me to avoid the same treatment, and I don’t blame them for it. They should feel safe, live without the constant barrage of abuse and fear. #die #moron are the only ones I can write down for decencies’ sake. I say I’m ok but I think you knew I was often upset, but you didn’t want to intrude. Even if you’d asked I wouldn’t have told you. This was my cross to bear.

You don’t know but I’ve attempted this before. That day a couple of months ago when I was really, really ill, I was so low. I took a full box of paracetamol and Dad’s bottle of vodka. I cried myself to sleep then, I couldn’t even do that right. I don’t know what is wrong with me, why am I like this? Do I deserve this? Why can’t I escape why won’t they let me be? Maybe now I can finally get some peace, some silence. This is the only bit of control I have left. When, where and how.

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough, couldn’t be the person you wanted me to be. I did try, so hard. I need you to know that. I need you to know this is not your fault, this is me, mine, taking back control. 

Please, remember me the way I was last summer, so happy, so full of life.

Please, please remember,

I love you.

All I can say is thank you, words cannot explain to you how much of an effect you’ve had. I was in such a dark place and then there was you…. You turned my life around, showed me I was worth so much more.

I could tell that you knew that I was at the end of my rope and about to break when we first met but then you did something I didn’t expect. You saved me, you took me for who I was, insisted I join you for a milkshake. You’d been stood up, you had already ordered, and didn’t want it to go to waste. What are the odds that, on what I thought were my final steps to my end, were actually the first steps to a new life and new me.

We talked…. Well, I talked and you listened and it felt so good. I could finally let go of everything, it came spilling out of me, and the dam had burst. You amazed me for the first time that day and every day since, you just sat there and listened, and when I’d finished and I was sure you run out the door, you got up, moved over to me and just held me. I’d never felt safer in my whole life than I did in that moment and that embrace. You told me I could be who I wanted to be, no longer the victim, no longer the punching bag.

You came with me when I told my parentsand again when I told the truth to my teachers what was going on and how low I’d fallen. You showed me a new way, helped me change my online identity so they couldn’t find me anymore, introduced me to new friends, a new phone number and a new outlook on life. It took time, but you were there with me every step of the way. My Mum and Dad keep smiling when they see me, they can see the effect you’ve had, and it’s infectious. I smile back and it feels good.

I am worth, I am loved, I have family, new friends and a new life. They don’t bother me anymore, and if they do say anything, it’s like water off a ducks back now. I have a future now and it starting to look bright.

Thank you and I love you.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00X83THMI/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1431479508&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=inner+giant&dpPl=1&dpID=51IR37OWkYL&ref=plSrch