Well hey now! Yes, I'm back and yes it has been a while, in fact over a year since I've written anything. So why no new posts? Honestly, there has been a number of reasons and I had a load of new post ideas ready just to write up, but things just got away from me and I ended up truthfully at the bottom of place I didn't really want to be.
A few years ago there was an event that I won't go into that stuck with me and lowered my mood, and I guess that was the start. Afterwards, there was a bit of harassment from someone who wanted me to do some work for them, they had gotten my personal contact number (which I don't give out for client work, only my email), and they wouldn't take no for an answer. But more importantly, two of my best friends moved on to continue their lives elsewhere.
Now I totally don't begrudge them that, it was what they needed to do. In fact, I was so happy they were moving on to new things and new adventures. But for me even though it wasn't true, I felt somewhat abandoned. It wasn't their fault, it was purely me. We pretty much did everything together, we worked together, went to the movies, pubs and clubs, and just hung out together. And then they were gone. One was basically 300 miles away, and the other was across an ocean. Yes, I could still call them but it's not the same, and to be honest, I don't really like talking on the phone. Now I still had other close friends and while I wouldn't change them for anything and they would do anything for me, it didn't quite fill the hole that was left I'm sorry to say.
So life went on, I adapted to my new situation and while I still occasionally see them sometimes it isn't as often as I'd like. The next time my mood took a dip was about 2 years ago. I was working as a Baker for one of the big four supermarkets and life was good, I enjoyed my work. Then one of our colleagues who worked on the counter with us had to take sick leave due to serious health issues. We were very worried, but luckily, so far, everything is on the mend. However, it meant we were understaffed and overworked.
Then just as we were about to get the help we needed, our Manager had to leave due to family reasons and our dreamt of help vanished into the ether along with our Deputy Manager. Help seemed so far away. Six to eight months in this situation appeared to come to an end when we got a new Manager and Deputy, however that was just wishful thinking. We got the help we needed, but our workload was increased to almost unmanageable levels. I was working a ten hour shift from 6 am to 4 pm without taking a lunch break due to the fact there was just too much to do.
Now some people would say, well you can only do what you can do, and that you have got to take your breaks, you're entitled to them. It sounds right, but also leaves out the issue of anything I would leave that day, would have to be done the next day, and the work would just pile up even more. Often I would come home, and basically go straight to sleep and if I woke up I would have to go back to sleep immediately so I could get up for work at 4.30-5 am, else I would be up the rest of the night. I wasn't eating, socialising, and I was Living to Work instead of the other way round.
My stress was sky high, my health was declining, and at certain points I felt like curling up in a corner and just rocking back and forth. So what did I do? The only thing I could. I left. A chance encounter and job offer would sound perfect, but really it was simpler than that. I walked into a previous and my first place of employment and talked to a colleague I had worked with back then and also the HR Manager about how stressed and unhappy I was and that if there were hours available I would come back in a flash. The next day I got a phone call offering me a job and I leapt at it. I handed in my resignation in work and did my notice. That was 4 months ago, and my mood has changed dramatically. I'm a lot happier and virtually stress-free. I'm working with people I've known for a long time, management that are more family than employers, and finally back in a happy place.
Before changing my employment I was dropping out on engagements with friends due to tiredness, and at times just wanting to be alone or not having the motivation to go out. I would leave messages on Unread, and let the phone ring out. I didn't want to talk, but at the same time needed to vent. Now if you know me, you will know that while I do and often moan about things, I don't talk or vent about my feelings. I tend to bottle it all up, and as of yet the cap holds, and writing this has lowered the level significantly.
Why don't I vent to someone? Because honestly I don't want to burden them, but strangely enough, I'm quite happy to listen and shoulder their burdens. I could talk to family, but the same situation arises, this is my burden to bear, not theirs. Admittedly I am somewhat estranged from my family, and I have been for a long time. Now don't get me wrong, I love them very much, but even through my teenage years I spent most of my time in my room (pretty normal), and maybe saw them at mealtimes, or if I popped down to make a drink. I didn't really talk to them. Now maybe it was me being selfish in wanting to do my own thing and spend MY time how I wanted after school, and later after work. And now it has become my norm?
Another point I have to make is that in 2008 my eldest sister passed away and while also going through all the grieving emotions I also felt guilt. Guilt because we weren't that close. My sister was a great woman and sister, but growing up I often felt that she looked down on me, and spoke to me as a teacher would to a pupil instead of a sister to a brother. And that put some distance between us. The worst thing was that we were very much alike. We were (are) both stubborn, had a lot of the same interests, in books, films and even comedy. I just wish we could have gotten along more often than not. My other sister and I, even though we're closer, have a similar situation but she has her own stresses and issues that she is dealing with. I know really that I just need to talk to her about how I feel and at times how she makes me feel, and I'm getting there. But just not yet.
I think that after the death of my sister, I started distancing myself away from my family a little due to not wanting to experience that same loss again, even though it is pretty much guaranteed. Such is life. But it is also life that distances happen as we grow, work, children, our own lives take up so much of our time and often what is left we just want to keep to ourselves. Is that so selfish?
Now while I still feel unmotivated at times, things are a lot better. I see my friends more often and go out more, but it's still a bit of a learning curve getting back to where I used to be, say 10 years ago. I realise now that what I was experiencing, and still am, was depression. While I have never been to see anyone about it, so it remains undiagnosed, I knew that's what it was. But also at the same time, I was partially in denial about it. Depression isn't just hiding away and being sad all the time. It's going to work with all outward appearances looking like you're happy and content. That you haven't got a worry in the world, but inside it's far from it. For me, I am truly happy most of the time, but there are times when I'm not. Imagine it like, when you're alone, by yourself, you want to be surrounded by people. But as soon as you are, you want nothing more than to be just by yourself again. Alone but also lonely.
I know I don't have it as bad as some people who just cannot function on a normal day to day basis, or worse, but it's still there. However, I am dealing with it, in the best way I know how. A mixture of distraction and escapism.
I know it is maybe not the healthiest way, but it is working for me. My time working as a Baker didn't leave me much time to read, and I was an avid reader and loved having my nose within the pages of a book. Now, I have read 9 books in the past 4 months. I still watch a lot of films and TV shows, but now I have had the time to rekindle that joy of different worlds, characters and stories. As a result of this and flicking through my novel notebook, my creative juices are starting to flow once again.
Now there is one person I feel like I have to mention. I've known her for many years since we first met at Summer Camp in the US. She has been dealing with depression and mental health issues for a long time, and while it still affects her she does her best to inspire others in similar situations. In all honesty, I am a little awestruck by her and she is a constant inspiration to me on a daily basis. She says "Bad days build better days" and it's true. It follows the lines of, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!".
Some of you may know her as Instagram's "Aubernutter", and though she has her ups and downs, she is always trying to better herself and looking towards that horizon, and isn't that all any of us really need? Someone to tell us that even though things are looking down, and may sometimes get worse, and you feel like you're at rock bottom, honestly the only way is up. Things can and will get better. Whether you have a support structure, a crutch or nothing; there may be setbacks, but it does get better. You just have to believe in yourself. Get the help you need. Do the things that make you happy, that take your mind away from the bad times, that are cathartic for your soul!
But you know what (other than me using "but" far too many times in this post) I'm lucky! I've got friends, family, a roof over my head, food to eat, a good job I enjoy, and my memories of the good and great times. But also the bad ones. And they define who I am, and brings to mind two of my favourite quotes,
"We all change, when you think about it, we're all
different people; all through our lives, and that's okay,
that's good, you've gotta keep moving, so long as you
remember all the people that you used to be."
and...
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time
that is given us.”
And they are so true; you are not who you are because of who you are now, at this moment. But because of who you have been, and all the experiences you've had along the way. No one knows how much time we have, so do the things that make you happy, love and laugh. Sing like no one is listening, dance like nobody watching, love like it's the first time, and live life like it's Heaven on Earth.
If you made it this far, thank you. This has been written and rewritten a couple of times, edited and reedited until I was happy. So now I've got a slew of post ideas waiting to be committed to "paper" and I'm itching to start on writing my book again. For now, I'm going to leave this here and hope this has cleared up my absence, and as always comments and questions are greatly received.
Catch you later!
P.S. Soooooo many buts!! I can only apologise!!
A few years ago there was an event that I won't go into that stuck with me and lowered my mood, and I guess that was the start. Afterwards, there was a bit of harassment from someone who wanted me to do some work for them, they had gotten my personal contact number (which I don't give out for client work, only my email), and they wouldn't take no for an answer. But more importantly, two of my best friends moved on to continue their lives elsewhere.
So life went on, I adapted to my new situation and while I still occasionally see them sometimes it isn't as often as I'd like. The next time my mood took a dip was about 2 years ago. I was working as a Baker for one of the big four supermarkets and life was good, I enjoyed my work. Then one of our colleagues who worked on the counter with us had to take sick leave due to serious health issues. We were very worried, but luckily, so far, everything is on the mend. However, it meant we were understaffed and overworked.
Now some people would say, well you can only do what you can do, and that you have got to take your breaks, you're entitled to them. It sounds right, but also leaves out the issue of anything I would leave that day, would have to be done the next day, and the work would just pile up even more. Often I would come home, and basically go straight to sleep and if I woke up I would have to go back to sleep immediately so I could get up for work at 4.30-5 am, else I would be up the rest of the night. I wasn't eating, socialising, and I was Living to Work instead of the other way round.
Why don't I vent to someone? Because honestly I don't want to burden them, but strangely enough, I'm quite happy to listen and shoulder their burdens. I could talk to family, but the same situation arises, this is my burden to bear, not theirs. Admittedly I am somewhat estranged from my family, and I have been for a long time. Now don't get me wrong, I love them very much, but even through my teenage years I spent most of my time in my room (pretty normal), and maybe saw them at mealtimes, or if I popped down to make a drink. I didn't really talk to them. Now maybe it was me being selfish in wanting to do my own thing and spend MY time how I wanted after school, and later after work. And now it has become my norm?
Another point I have to make is that in 2008 my eldest sister passed away and while also going through all the grieving emotions I also felt guilt. Guilt because we weren't that close. My sister was a great woman and sister, but growing up I often felt that she looked down on me, and spoke to me as a teacher would to a pupil instead of a sister to a brother. And that put some distance between us. The worst thing was that we were very much alike. We were (are) both stubborn, had a lot of the same interests, in books, films and even comedy. I just wish we could have gotten along more often than not. My other sister and I, even though we're closer, have a similar situation but she has her own stresses and issues that she is dealing with. I know really that I just need to talk to her about how I feel and at times how she makes me feel, and I'm getting there. But just not yet.
I think that after the death of my sister, I started distancing myself away from my family a little due to not wanting to experience that same loss again, even though it is pretty much guaranteed. Such is life. But it is also life that distances happen as we grow, work, children, our own lives take up so much of our time and often what is left we just want to keep to ourselves. Is that so selfish?
I know I don't have it as bad as some people who just cannot function on a normal day to day basis, or worse, but it's still there. However, I am dealing with it, in the best way I know how. A mixture of distraction and escapism.
Now there is one person I feel like I have to mention. I've known her for many years since we first met at Summer Camp in the US. She has been dealing with depression and mental health issues for a long time, and while it still affects her she does her best to inspire others in similar situations. In all honesty, I am a little awestruck by her and she is a constant inspiration to me on a daily basis. She says "Bad days build better days" and it's true. It follows the lines of, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!".
Some of you may know her as Instagram's "Aubernutter", and though she has her ups and downs, she is always trying to better herself and looking towards that horizon, and isn't that all any of us really need? Someone to tell us that even though things are looking down, and may sometimes get worse, and you feel like you're at rock bottom, honestly the only way is up. Things can and will get better. Whether you have a support structure, a crutch or nothing; there may be setbacks, but it does get better. You just have to believe in yourself. Get the help you need. Do the things that make you happy, that take your mind away from the bad times, that are cathartic for your soul!But you know what (other than me using "but" far too many times in this post) I'm lucky! I've got friends, family, a roof over my head, food to eat, a good job I enjoy, and my memories of the good and great times. But also the bad ones. And they define who I am, and brings to mind two of my favourite quotes,
"We all change, when you think about it, we're all
different people; all through our lives, and that's okay,
that's good, you've gotta keep moving, so long as you
remember all the people that you used to be."
and...
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time
that is given us.”
And they are so true; you are not who you are because of who you are now, at this moment. But because of who you have been, and all the experiences you've had along the way. No one knows how much time we have, so do the things that make you happy, love and laugh. Sing like no one is listening, dance like nobody watching, love like it's the first time, and live life like it's Heaven on Earth.
If you made it this far, thank you. This has been written and rewritten a couple of times, edited and reedited until I was happy. So now I've got a slew of post ideas waiting to be committed to "paper" and I'm itching to start on writing my book again. For now, I'm going to leave this here and hope this has cleared up my absence, and as always comments and questions are greatly received.
Catch you later!
P.S. Soooooo many buts!! I can only apologise!!
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